Monday, June 23, 2014

It's all about the guilt, baby

I'm convinced that parenthood is a lesson in guilt.

I feel guilty for NOT wanting to stay at home with my absolutely adorable babe all day, every day; I feel guilty for wanting to work.

I feel guilty for letting her cry sometimes; I feel guilty for needing (and wanting) to take care of myself sometimes.

I feel guilty for not holding her (and not wanting to hold her) every time she wants me to hold her; I feel guilty for wanting time to myself, and time for just me and Tim to spend together.

I feel guilty for letting her watch so many movies recently. I feel guilty for focusing more on my (hopefully) upcoming job interview than I do on thinking of exciting new things we can do together before I go back to work next week (speaking of which, I can't believe it's next week).

I DON'T feel guilty for waiting seven years after we got married to finally get pregnant. I DON'T feel guilty for being ourselves, and getting to know each other so well, before we had a baby. At least now that we know each other so well, we're able to focus more on her; rather than trying to figure out, "what do you mean by that?," we discuss our next plan of attack.

We have theories and strategies. Sometimes, those just feel like doing pre-algebra, using the guess-and-check method. Remember that? It was never the fastest method, but it felt like it was the easiest way to go... at first... until you figured out how to manipulate variables. And then there were multiple variables at once. 3D planes. Ellipses. Multiple solutions. Infinite solutions. Everything in quadrant A, B, C, or D. Maybe the solution was imaginary.

And that's what it feels like now: I'm trying to solve for X, Y, and Z simultaneously. One of the solutions is imaginary, and one of them has multiple solutions... And to top it off, I'm using the guess-and-check method. How can you figure anything out with that? It's kind of frustrating.

And that's just what's going on with this precious little thing that currently resides in our office, and cries when she's sleepy and hungry. What about getting together with friends and having any semblance of the social life we once had? It seems impossible! Sometimes, it feels like maybe we should just give up on MOST of it. I say most because there are things that I couldn't face living without (certain friends, certain recreational activities, etc.). But I hear that it gets easier, if only in some ways. I'm looking forward to seeing it get easier.

And I feel guilty for that, too. I feel guilty for wanting it to be easier. How horrible is that? Can't I feel NOT guilty about something?

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