Monday, April 21, 2014

Ugh... breastfeeding

I'm tired of trying and failing. I think there's no way I can win at this. It's not working, and I'm tired of being told that any woman can do it. That there's nothing wrong with me. That it's not my fault. But I can't do it.

I feel guilty for even thinking about quitting, because I'm not a quitter. I'm one of those crazies that can't just let something go. But it seems pointless. Inevitable. I have to quit.

Doctors say... well, what does it matter what they say? It doesn't work. I'm a faulty model, or so it appears. My body doesn't work like that.

It's such a cycle, though: I can't produce, so I don't try as hard, which makes me produce even less, which makes me more frustrated. So I produce even less.

I'm mad because I just want to be back to normal, and I am, for the most part. Well, actually, that's not true. I have some serious pain from damage to my sciatic nerve. I have ten to fifteen pounds left to lose (not a big deal, but my activity could be restricted based on my MRI results). I haven't run in MONTHS. I interact with great - but very limited number of - people outside of my house.

So that's how I'm feeling right now. Just this minute. Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'll try again. You know the saying about the true definition of insanity is someone who keeps trying the same thing but expecting different results? That's me.

1 comment:

  1. Don't feel like a failure! It's ok...yes, we are capable of breast feeding, but some women can't. My sister and sister in law were unable to. Both of my nephews have a high palet, and couldn't get good suction. But my sister in law was able to bread feed her daughter. It's not just your anatomy, it is also hers. I know nothing about it really, but the more you breast feed the more you produce... Right? Have you tried pumping? Maybe that can help?


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