Thursday, March 15, 2012

Aren't you afraid?

I have some pretty intense anxiety sometimes, and it's only gotten worse after X was left to die. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, and I just want to curl in a ball and sob forever. But that's just not me, it's not what I do, it's not who I am.

Then, what do I do? Who am I? I'm afraid that it won't get easier as time goes on, and I'm afraid that it will get easier.

Obviously, I need time to think. Time by myself, without interruptions. But where can I get that? I know: running. So I run sometimes at night, after I get home from work. But at that time of day, all I really want to do is easy dinner, veg on the couch, and go to bed as soon as possible. Besides, I don't have the same motivation at 6:00pm that I do at 5:00am. But 5 is too late to start running. So 4:00.

I know I should get up and go ("it builds character," right?), but I'm just so tired. And my bed feels so nice at 4am.

Then what is the solution, I ask? Where is the answer? Is it all one way or the other, a combination, a compromise? Of one thing, I am sure: quitting is definitely not an option. I think I need to just suck it up, admit I'm old and should probably start going to early bird dinners (ehh, they're cheaper anyway).

Today is the end of my work week, so it's perfect. I'll start running on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday mornings, about 5 to 7 miles at a time. Then on Sundays, I'll run long, maybe 8 to 10 miles. Perfect.

Starting tomorrow.

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