Saturday, November 3, 2012

Above all, loved

Saturday is not supposed to be a difficult day. It's supposed to be care-free, relaxed, no worries. At least, that's the way it's supposed to be in my world; not EVERY Saturday, but this Saturday.

It didn't exactly happen that way, though. Today was very difficult. For me. I'm so tired of running around town, getting ready for this and that, decorating, cleaning, laundering, everything. I just needed today to be nothing. I needed to do nothing at all. I wanted to stay in bed. All. Day. Long.

Like I said, though: that didn't happen. I cleaned, helped launder, folded, organized, prepared. I'm not exactly complaining...although it might seem like that's what I'm doing. All I wanted to say, is that I had this image in my mind, and I'm already stressed, so when it didn't go according to my plan, I was more than upset. I was a basket case. Still am, I suppose.

It's just that I miss my little brother. And it really makes me resent my close family members (the ones that knew him for his whole 27 1/2 years). Why don't they care as much as I do?

I wish I had been closer to him. He was supposed to come to visit me and Tim the day after Christmas, December 26th. The last text I sent him was, "I'll leave the door unlocked for you." Instead, I attended his funeral on December 28th.

I know he loves me, though. And I always think of the Romantic poets when I think of him, because of the quote emblazoned on his left forearm.

I know I'll never forget that guy. His zest and passion for music of all kind. Incredibly gifted. Adored. Frustrating. A puzzle. But loved.

Above all: LOVED.

And that is comforting to me.

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